CANONICAL LIST OF ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES Maintained by Alan Silverstein, ajs@frii.com Last update: January 30, 2004 Total entries: 393 A compendium of humorous answering machine messages from rec.humor* and other sources. Criteria: Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize redundancy); avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really offensive material; correct spelling and grammar. Exclude related humor that is not actually an answering machine message. Keep in no particular order, but try to group similar themes together -- I'm open to suggestions on better ordering. To count entries (paragraphs), on UNIX run the rest through: tab=' '; sed -e "s/[ $tab]*$//" -e '/---.*---$/d' | ssp | sed '/^$/!d' | wc -l --- machine theme --- Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does... How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... Hi, this is Mal. You know, it's a real pain leaving a message on a machine. BEEP. (Deep voice:) If a phone rings in an empty room with no one to hear it, does it make a sound? Hmm...? (Normal voice:) Irrelevant! Leave a message. (Modified from Woody Allen:) I don't have a lot a rapport with anything that I can't reason with, intimidate, or fondle. Consequently, I hate talking to machines, but I'd love it if you'd talk to mine. (Owner is a hard-to-reach person:) Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone. (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot. You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. What you are about to hear is not a beep. It is a digitally manipulated fart. This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message. Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you? Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions. (or) Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is. Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. (or) Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!) (or) Hi, this is the toaster. The answering machine just eloped with the refrigerator, so I'm the only appliance left to take messages. I'm kinda new at this whole thing, but if you'll leave your name, number, and a brief message, I think I can handle whatever pops up. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. (Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone. (MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible. Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. My owners also do not wish to refinance their home, they don't need yet another credit card, and they don't need a home equity loan, either. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. (Computer generated voices:) 1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now. 2: Yeah, nobody but us machines! 1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... 2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message! 1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. 2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug! 1: I didn't expect an answering machine. 2: Nobody expects an answering machine. 1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number. 2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number. 1: And message. Damn. 2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. 1: And time you called. 2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. 1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep. You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message... (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can. (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone". Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. (Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.) (or) (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP Hi, you have reached 123-4567. If you are a close personal friend, please press the star key now. If you are a telemarketer, please hit yourself repeatedly in the forehead with a ball-peen hammer. Thank you. Have a nice day. (or) Hello, you have reached (123) 456-7890... If you are a telemarketer, please call (098) 765-4321 (the number of someone you dislike) and talk to me there, as I use that number more than this one! (or) Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional. (or) Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone. (or) If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If... (After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message. (Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (Middle, normal:) ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... (Later, high pitch, fast:) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... (End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:) ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. --- authority figures --- This is the Iraqi Embassy. Saddam is out invading a poor defenseless nation. Please leave a message after the beep and he will respond as soon as the US kicks his butt. Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. (Richard Nixon voice:) Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now... Come on you, BEEP. (US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP. The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. (Bill Clinton voice:) Hi, you've reached the secret White House phone line. That damned Windows 95 erased the budget again, so neither Al or I can come to the phone right now. But leave a message with what agency you work for, or if you're a contributor, how much money you plan on giving me. Depending on how important I think you are, I might just give you a call back. Bye. (Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day. You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent. (Theme music from James Bond:) Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies! (Clint Eastwood voice:) Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message. To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I'm off making Montreal a safer place' to live. So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Bye-bye! (Music continues. POW, BIFF.) (In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you. Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.) (Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. "I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not home; leave a message." This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it. (Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could. (English accent:) Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better. Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore. Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep. This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air... E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die. --- odd organizations --- Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of Enemies. Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where you'll be, and I'll be there. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious". Hello, this is Aladdin's Lamp's magical answering spell. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm busy attending my last client's wish and creating an alternate world where the civilization of Atlantis is predominant. That will take a couple of more centuries, so if you want a wish, just leave your name, geographic location, and the wish you want after the beep. (That's right, just ONE wish. Inflation has happened, you know...) (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message... (or) Do you realize that at this moment there are people all over the world who have no means of communication? With your 20 second message donation, we can bring your voice to many children who are dying to hear it. So please, say something after the beep. The children are waiting. City Morgue. You've reached Joe's crematorium. You kill em', we grill 'em. Please leave a message. You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible. (or) Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't TOO serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press -- no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk with you. Hello, welcome to Cawfee Tawk with Bridget and Lisa. We're a little verklempt right now, so leave a message, we'll cawl you back, no big whoop. You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get around to it... (or) Hi! This is Mary. I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination. Please leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to getting it straight. Thanks for calling the Aardvark Medical College. If you would like to leave a message, press 1. Alternatively, if you would like to donate a body to the college, please press 2. You have reached 123-4567. Thank you for calling Acme Fake Vomit Outlet Store. For guided tours of Acme Fake Vomit Outlet Store, push 1. For Specialty Fake Vomit, push 2. If you need assistance for large orders of fake vomit, push 3. Demand of our product has increased, and so have our store hours. For that information, press 4. Have a nice day! Joisey Toinpike! Exit 10! (Sound of a car crash.) Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. (Theme music from Peter Gunn:) My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid. Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible. (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much. (Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message. Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns. (Best Cape Cod accent:) You've reached the Finestkind Fish or Cut Bait Mahket. Our special today is skahll-ups at thutty dollars a bushel. Leave your ohdah on the machine heah and the boy'll bring it around in the mahnin. (French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non". (Plummy British accent:) Hello. You have reached Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. No one is here at the moment to take your reservation, but if you will leave your name, your number, and the size of your party, we will call back as soon as possible to confirm. Thank you and have a nice eon. Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz railroad (an actual railroad in Oregon). There is an emergency condition right now due to the landslide. Therefore please be advised of the following. (Another 30 seconds of talking, all of which is drowned out by a passing train.) Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day. Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis! Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely. Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want? (Masterpiece Theatre theme; pompous British accent:) Hello, and welcome to Answering Machine Theatre. In tonight's episode, Richard is unable to answer the telephone. Richard requests that callers leave a name, a telephone number, and a brief message. And now for tonight's episode of Answering Machine Theatre. (American advertising-whisper voice:) Brought to you in part by a grant from the Mobil Corporation. Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number nine! You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show. Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72... This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. (Slowly...) Good evening. You have reached the offices of the New Zealand Wagner society. The office is currently unattended, but if you would like to leave a message, Meistersinger Phil will return your call as soon as he has finished transcribing the Ring Cycle for saxophone and triangle. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. Hello, you have reached the Fidelity Sperm Bank Helpline. Your business is important to us. Please hold for the next available customer servicer. (Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way... Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling. You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance. (In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi... You've just reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever turns you on... (or) Hello, you've reached Katie's Institution for the Preservation of Prostitution. All of our operatives are busy right now, but if you leave your name, number and services required we will get back to you as soon as an opening is available... --- mainly musical theme --- (To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":) Leave a message... Leave a message... ("Heartbreak Hotel":) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP (Madonna's "Justify My Love"; sultry voice:) Wanting... Waiting... For you, To justify your call... (Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.") (Guns & Roses' "Civil War":) What we've got here is... Failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach... I don't like it any more than you do. (Pink Floyd:) Welcome my friends, welcome... to... the machine... (Voice:) Please leave your name, phone number and message. Thank you. (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home. ("La Donna e Mobile", preferably over a .mid:) Don't we hate canvass calls. They are a nuisance. We don't need roof repairs or bloody seminars. Real estate agents call. They are the worst of all. Heaven knows can't they tell I don't have a house to sell! More hawkers ringing! That's why I'm singing! Everyone else... Please speak at the tone! Ple - e - e - ease speak at the tone. (Chorus from "Spiderwebs" by No Doubt:) Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking in the spiderwebs so leave a message and I'll call you back. ("Breakfast At Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something:) Then I said, "Hurry up, answer the telephone," She said, "You do it, I'm busy now," So naturally that's what we bought the machine for, So when I've stopped singing, please speak at the to-ne. ("Fiddler on the Roof", dream sequence, various voices:) "Could it be?" "Sure." "Yes, it could." "Why not?" "Who could be mistaken?" (Owner's voice:) Yes, that's right, you have reached Mike's residence. Please leave a message at the beep. ("Henrietta's Wedding" by Marais and Miranda:) Who can it be? Who can it be? Who can it be? Who can it be? Who can it be? Who can it be? Who can it be? Who can it be?" (Owner's voice:) Why, it's Mike, of course. Please leave a message at the beep. ("Flowers Are Red" by Harry S. Chapin:) There are so many numbers in the phone book, So many hawkers won't leave us alone, So many answering machines in use, So please speak at the tone. ("Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia:) Please speak at the tone. We're not in the house. This is our machine. There's no-one home just now or we can't get to the phone. We will call you back as soon as we can. We're fast asleep or on the loo so listen for the tone. Here it is right now. Please speak at the to-o-o-one. Rock-a-by baby, home all alone, No one is here to answer the phone. Leave a message after the tone, And baby will call you... When she's all grown! ("Joy to the World" -- by Orthodox Jews who've moved into Joy Shalida's old house:) Joy Shalida / does not live here, so leave no word for her. The Turnianskys do, so if you're inclined to, leave a message at the beep, leave a message at the beep, leave a me-e-e-es-sage at the beep. (Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, no one's home, Leave a message, at the tone. Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss, Leave a message, you can reach us. (Must end in zero, pronounced "oh":) This is 538-4570. To all cold canvass callers, our answer is NO. Our carpets are clean, we won't be selling our house for ages. When we do need these things, we'll find you in the Yellow Pages. So don't be a nuisance. Leave us alone But if you're none of these people, please speak at the tone! I was dialing from the lab, late one night, When my ears beheld an eerie plight... My assistant was frightened by the tone That signaled that no one was home. ...THERE'S NO ONE HOME MASTAH, MASTAH THERE'S NO ONE HOME. Igor you impetuous fool, then leave a message! (U2's "With or Without You":) No one's here to answer the phone, Leave a message at the tone, And we'll get back to you. We'll get back to you! (Meat Loaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love":) And I would do anything for calls, I promise I will call you back; I would do anything for calls, But I can't talk right now and that's a fact. I'm not home right now, so I just can't answer the phone, No way, But I would do anything for calls, Oh, I would do anything for calls! Just let me know who it was who called, And I'll call you back! Yes, I'll call you back! Just leave a message at the tone, I'll hear it when I get back home, And I will call -- you -- back! (Cheers TV show theme song, "Where Everybody Knows your Name":) Sometimes you make a call, Where you gotta leave your name, 'Cuz I can't come to the phone, You gotta leave a message here, right after the tone. You made a call, Where you gotta leave your name. ("The Check is in the Mail" by Weird Al Yankovich:) Well hey how you doin'? Have a seat have a drink, Boy it's good to see you what can I say, Oh sorry got to run we'll get together again, Say what was your name anyway? Well we're working on the problem -- We'll get back to you soon, Don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon for a year, maybe longer, keep in touch, thanks for dropping by and have a nice day. ("Camptown Races":) I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah. Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day. Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day... So leave a message when you hear the tone. I'll call you back someday... ("Winter Wonderland":) Hear the ring, inside our home. Once again, can't get the phone. So please be polite, You know that it's right, And leave a message when you hear the tone. (Beethoven's Fifth:) Nobody's home. Why did you phone? Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone, And we will call you back as soon as we get home. Your message here, After the tone, Here is the tone... tone... BEEP ("If I Only Had A Brain":) I might be in the shower, I might be gone for hours, I can't come to the phone. So, please leave your name and number, If I miss you it'd be a bummer, Leave your message at the tone... (Gilligan's Island theme:) Hello my friend, I'm glad you called, but my machine you've got... I'll call you back in a little while, when I get off the pot... (flush, BEEP) Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight? Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over the world! (Sing:) They're David and the Rob, Yes, David and the Rob, One is a drummer, the other needs a job. They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow, Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob. (With apologies to Robert Burns:) O ma phone is but an ebon box, Wha' rings when I'm awa'. And my tape machine waits, For your call, This message for ta play. So leave ye message at the beep, Then bide ye well a while, For I will hear your voice, ONE DAY, and call ye wi' a smile. ("Under the Boardwalk":) Oh, when you call our room, and all you get is a machine, and then you get so upset, you feel as if you want to scream. Please leave a message after the be-ep. And John or Tom will get back you, as soon as they can. ("Muppet Show" theme:) It's time to leave a message After you hear the tone, It's time to leave a message 'Cause we're not at home tonight... It's time to leave a message On Kate and Shannon's phone, It's time to leave a message 'Cause we're not at home tonight. Just leave your name and number, Such simple things to do, And then when we get home we will Get right back to you. It's time to leave a message After you hear the tone. It's time to leave a message 'Cause we're not at home tonight. Gone to get a bite, Stayin' out all night, Yes we have a life! Leave a message, we're not home toniiiiight... (The Barney Song:) We're not home, We're not home. Please leave a message at the tone, With your name and number and a few short words. Please do not hang up the phone. ("Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. (Hitchhikers Guide theme:) The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to- person conversation that happens when people actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. So they added the "answering machine," which will cleverly record your message and play it back at the wrong speed, to make everyone who calls you sound like they have partaken a large supply of helium. Unless your message is REALLY important, in which case, the machine simply breaks its own tape, to insure that you never get the message at all. It would be a shame to waste all this brilliant technology, so please attempt to leave a message. I once had a little white phone, That would ring when it was alone. Then I got a tape, For when I escape, So please leave your name at the tone. Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP --- family fun --- Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back. You've reached the Baker residence. We can't answer the phone right now because we're all in time out, but if you leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as our behavior improves. Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD) Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number. (or) 1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room. 2: (Background:) What are you doing? 1: I'm recording an answering machine message. 2: But we're here right now. 1: But we might not be here later. 2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message. (or) 1: Hey, would you get the phone? 2: I got the phone last time. You get the phone! 1: Well, I'm on the computer right now, so will you get it? 2: I'm in the bathroom, and besides, you're closer anyway! 1: Dammit Nicole, you always pull this crap when it's your turn to get it! 2: Well, just let the answering machine get it then! This is Fred. We are not... Excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later. Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Shit... Leave a message after the tone... (Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back. Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it. (Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color. (Woman, seductively:) Hi, I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to... (Interrupting:) Oh come on Linda, give me the damn phone... (Ask them to leave a message.) Oooooommmmmmmmmmm... (Heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the (scream, I'm gonna come!) orgasm. (Sexy, slow female voice:) oooOOOO, Greg's in... OOOOooo, Greg's out... ooooOOOOO, Greg's in... OOOoooo, Greg's out... ooooOOOOO, Greg's in... Humph, Greg's busy, you had better call back later... --- can't answer right now because... --- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. John: Brad, will you get the phone? Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! I'm playing Omega! John: Ambar, will you get the phone? Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.) John: Aimee, will you get the phone? Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in the shower! John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in Denver. Please leave a message. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? (or) Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun. I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence. Since I don't have a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few days. Then if the professor gets stranded here, we'll create a satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll get right back to you. Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera. Hello, there is no one home to answer the phone. This doesn't mean we don't want to talk with you. It simply means there is no one home to talk with you. Some people get the incorrect message that there actually is someone home but they just don't want to answer the phone. This is not true. (Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:) Help me, please help me. I'm down here in the thing you're holding in your hand. I can't get out because my leg is broken and my hand is stuck between two wires. Wait, what's that in the dark? OH NO, not a... a... a... Oh no, it IS! (Crunching noise.) (Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message. (Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place! Hello, I'm not here right now because tonight I start serving a thirty year term in the State Department of Corrections for politically incorrect statements and first degree original thought. Allowing for a maximum of 15 minutes to escape, I should be able to return your message shortly. Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!) Hi, I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number and shoe size at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you when and if I return to my senses. (Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message. (In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day. I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. (or) Hi, you've reached 474-2340. Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh) I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. Hi, you've reached Meredith's room. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed, so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself together. Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name... If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number... Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1. Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.) Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. Thank you for calling the Smith residence. Our operators are presently on strike in sympathy with Major League Baseball. Please leave a message. (or) Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any messages you leave will be deleted. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (To the tune of Sidewalk Surfing by the Beach Boys:) Catch a quake and go seismo surfing with me... (Music fades.) Yo, Dudes and Dudettes! Grab your skateboard and head for the nearest epicenter, because *QUAKE'S UP*! As for me, I'm from New Jersey, so I'm gonna hide under the biggest doggone piece of furniture I can find. Leave your message at the tone, and I'll get back to you as soon as the shaking stops. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually. Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got. (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor... (Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. (or) Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... (or) Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day. (Mae West voice:) Hello there, big boy. The 7th Fleet docked today, so I may be busy for a l-o-n-g time. Leave yer name 'n number 'n I'll get back to ya'. (Mae West voice:) Ooh, hello. You've reached 123-4567. I can't take your call right now, 'cuz I'm out getting my ankles tatooed. I'll have Easter on my right ankle and Christmas on my left. Leave a message big boy, and maybe you can come up and see me between the holidays... Ooh! (Fun to leave on a friend's machine when he's away... Sounds of raptuous sex:) Hi. Mike can't come to the phone right now because he's having sex. If you leave your name and number, he'll get back with you in juuust a second. (Male groan; female voice:) That's it? This is Clovis' answering machine. Clovis is committing sodomy right now. Please call back in an hour, when, I regret to inform you, you may receive the same message. --- you're in big trouble --- Hello! I'm on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT? (or) Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.) (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.) Thank you for calling The Lion's Den. We'd answer the phone in person but we're busy picking the remains of the last telemarketer out of the lion's teeth. Please leave a message. (Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide. The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS! Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that. Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. Please leave a message after the beep so that we can use your voice pattern to frame you for a murder. (or) You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. (Sternly:) This is the FBI. You have the right to remain silent. (Short pause.) But if you want to leave a message for Jack or Jill, wait for the beep. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK) After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. Gee I am really glad you called. I have been thinking of you. I need to borrow fifty bucks. If you are good for 50, leave your name and number at the beep and you will be glad you did. My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or VISA number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval. Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone... Ya know, if you're a salesman, you're better off hanging up right now. Last time a salesman stopped by, my mouth started watering, (start talking faster:) things started spinning in my head and... (noise of a sloshy blender and screaming) suddenly it was all over. I couldn't quite remember all the details and we couldn't find all the pieces anyway, so hang up now while you're still (pause) a-head. (Sinister laughing.) (Game show announcer voice:) Hello! You've reached the top FIVE reasons to hang up now if you're a salesman! Number 5: We probably don't want it anyway! Number 4: We don't have enough money for your unimaginably high priced product! Number 3: We said no the first time! (In a lower voice:) ...and the second time, and the third time... Number 2: You're probably interrupting the one peaceful meal we've had together since our brother was committed! And the number one reason to hang up now if you're a salesman: We can't seem to find all the pieces of the last salesman we tried to get rid of. --- befuddle the caller --- (A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright (Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it. (The actual number is 555-1218:) Hi! This is 555-4218, leave a message at the beep. Thank you for calling the Peoria Weather Line. (Insert appropriate weather report for the season here.) Please leave a tone after the message. Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message. Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me. You've reached the number that you dialed. The person that you called is not in service at this time, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I am repaired.... Speech right now makes no sense, so I'm sorry about your fifty cents. Just leave a message at the tone, because the lights are on and nobody's home. (Fairly boring message:) This is John. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll return your call. (Now, re-record the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different, but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.) (To annoy a friend record this as his message, and he will have keypad music as messages:) Hello, you have reached Dave. Please enter your four digit PIN at the tone. (This might be funnier in this context than actually on an answering machine. It certainly will befuddle the caller!) The number you have reached is currently unavailable. Calls are being taken by electronic mail to bitbucket@no.such.address. Please be sure to include the phase of the moon, a lengthy .signature, and your UUCP-style return address. Hello, you have reached 555-1234. Our voice mail system is currently experiencing difficulties, so at the tone, please type your message on the keypad using the appropriate letters, and press the pound sign when finished. The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.) [Editor: I don't find this one funny. I think it's rude and malicious. But this is a canonical list, and some people think it's funny, so here it is:] Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now? (or) (Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:) Argh! (Pause.) Hello... (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.) Sorry man... I'm a bit tired at the moment... (Long yawn.) I'm going back to sleep now... Just going to switch the answering machine on... (or) Hello? (Pause. Roommate's voice:) C'mon, Matt, we're gonna be late! -- Hold on, there's someone on the phone! Hello? -- C'mon, dude! -- Hello? Aaah, whatever... BEEP (Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.) Hi, you have reached an answer-person. I don't get paid to respond. However, anything after the whistle will be memorized to the best of my ability. (Loud music, John shouting:) HI, THIS IS JOHN, LET ME TURN DOWN THE MUSIC. (Loud footsteps, music turned down, a door slams.) Hi, this is the answering machine at John's home, he just rushed out the door, so please leave a message at the beep... (or) (From a distance:) Hello I'm far very away from the phone at the moment and can't get to it to take your message, but I'll get back to you as soon as I get nearer to the phone! Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's really a private line.) (or) Hello you have reached the Smith residence. All of our operators are busy. Your call will be processed in the order it was received. (Annoying muzak...) Due to a large volume of calls, all of our operators are bu... (Ringing phone.) Hello, we're sorry were not home right now, so please leave your message after the beep. (Long and very loud scream:) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIHHHH! BEEP Creamed asparagus! BEEP Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am pimento loaf, leave me a message. Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of... This is not a recording. The world will officially cease to exist ten seconds after the beep, but you can leave a message anyway if you want. Thank you. I hope you have an nice death. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can. Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. Hello, we are all currently home, but someone stole our phone... And the recording tape from this answering machine. So you can't reach us until we either find a phone or get a tape. If you had to waste a quarter on this call... Sorry. I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out. This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message. Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number. Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway. (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone. Bye. Bless God and, later you at talk possible as soon as you to back get I'll and number and name your leave to time the take please. So now right home not I'm 435-9854, Carr Dennis of residence the reached you've. Hi. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me? You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep... This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling... (Solemn voice:) Hello, If you are listening to this recording, I am dead. Changing the pattern of magnetism on this tape won't help get the message to me. Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these damn answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now. (On a male's answering machine, otherwise reverse genders:) BEEP. (Female voice:) Hi Tony, this is Sheila. I can't stop thinking about you. When can we get together? I want to grab you and undress you and then BEEP We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT. This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it. Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene phone call.) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your name and number at the beep. Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.) (And here's a way to befuddle the CALLEE rather than the caller: Record someone's answering machine message as you hear it, and then play it back to them as your message to them. Repeat over time until something interesting happens.) (Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this: "Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message for," and then hang up.) The following message is closed captioned for the hearing-impaired. (Submitter adds: "It was actually this message that led to me meeting my wife who by an odd coincidence was studying deaf education at the time.") --- other play with the caller --- Listen. (Pause.) And now talk. Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions? (Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message? Hello. You have reached Katrina. She is available any time except right now, so leave a message. Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you. (or) Stop reaching out and trying to touch me, dammit! We have caller ID. You can leave a message... Though there's really no need to do so. (or) I'm not home right now, so please leave your name, number, the time you called, and a message... And I have caller ID, so I already know who you are and when you called, so don't try to BS me! I'm not home. While you are waiting for me to call you back, load up Netscape and visit my homepage on the Internet at http://www.fiu.edu/~jsosa01. This so called "answering machine" will not respond to anything you say. Much like most guys. Mom, Dad... Don't you think it would be easier to reach me if I had a cellular phone? So how about an early birthday present? Hi, this is the Johnsons, please leave a message. Para nos amigos hablan espanol, HOLA! Por favor, llaman anoche, gracias amigos, y tienen buena dia. Despite the best efforts of the telephone company, you really DID reach 555-1234. But that didn't help much, did it? You still have to talk to a machine. Your ad can be in this space for only $2.99 a day. Please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you about this. Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome! (Gameshow announcer voice:) Hello! And welcome to Yes, No, Maybe! Yes, you have reached 555-1234! No, we can't take your call right now and... Maybe we'll call you back! Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone. Hi, I am Chevy Chase's answering machine and you're NOT. Any of Johan's messages I'll keep, If you leave them after the beep. Should he neglect to return his calls, I'll self-destruct and blow off his BEEEEP. Someone stole our phone. So if you leave a message we'll run over to a neighbor's house and use their phone to call you back. Hello, you have reached the Groskreutz's. No, not the Smiths or the Jones. If you can't pronounce it, don't leave a message. Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.") You have reached the answering machine of Lisa and Virginia's fine house of furry animals! We can't come to the phone right now, but with the gerbil protests and the ferret riots, we're pretty busy. But, if you'd like to put in your vote on "Name that fuzzy lemming contest," just leave a message after the beep! (In the background:) Oh my God, the dog's on fire again, damn those guinea pigs! At the sound of the tone, please leave your name, number, and a brief discription of what you are wearing. Thank you. (Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag! (or) Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message. (or) (As on TV...) Answering machine of the century. And now your host Phil Davison. (Voice 2:) Pamela, would you like to explain the rules to our contestants? (Voice 3:) Sure Phil. All they need to do is leave a message after the tone. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep... This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...) BEEP Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep. I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am... (or) I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone. (Strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly. (Start with:) Hello, this is Adrian; I'm just returning your call. (Later change it to:) Hello, this is Adrian; I'm just returning your call. If you haven't made a call yet, please do so now, because if I try to answer a call you haven't even made yet, it could create a temporal paradox, which could seriously disrupt the space-time continuum, and possibly even cause the entire universe to implode. And you wouldn't want that to happen, now, would you? Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference. I am gathering the world's largest collection of responses to an answering machine. If you would like to help, please leave a notarized copy of your name, number, and today's date at the sound of the beep. When I'm famous I'll remember all the little people like you that helped me achieve my greatness. I might even include you in my memoirs. You might be calling to give me important information. If so, leave your information at the tone. Or perhaps you just want to have a casual conversation. If so, leave a message and I'll get back to you so we can have the conversation later. Or perhaps you want to know what I'm doing tonight, in which case it's the same thing I do every night. TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! (Footsteps disappearing; toilet flushing; footsteps getting closer again.) OK now I'm ready for whatever you have to say, lay it on me. Elleuw, Eenspector, ahem, CHIEF Eenspector Clewseau ees not een the rheum to answer the pheuwne at the meument, so stop acteeng lahk a minkey, you FUEWL, and leave a mesSAGE... (Oriental voice:) Excuse me, Inspectah Clouseau, I just leceived special derively for you, here sir... Ah, thank you, Kato. How naice eet ees to have people send you a pretty leetle beuhmb for a birthday present, and eet ees not even my birth -- a BEUHMB? It's a beuhmb!!! (Muffled explosion.) Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone. Hello. Here are my answers to last week's messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages on Mondays. Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. So! You've finally called. And I suppose you think I'll just be here. Well you're wrong. I gave up on that yesterday. Seventeen weeks is long enough. Waiting for you; staring at the phone; never going anywhere... Well I've had enough! I decided to get a real life, so I'm out testing lint removers for Ralph Nader. Now it's your turn. Leave a message at the beep and I might just get back to you -- if I survive my new job. We're not home now. Leave your name and number and we'll call you back as soon as you are a vegetarian. (Replace "vegetarian" with prejudice of your choice.) (Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you! (Masterpiece Theatre theme:) To beep or not to beep, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler on the line to suffer the clicks and static of outrageous telephone; to speak, perchance to scream. This is talk radio N0MFW! (Insert your ham radio call sign here :-) I'm your host, Edward, and I will be with you for up to the next three minutes. Thanks for calling 349-2344 on your telephone dial! (or) (Annoying radio announcer's voice:) Congratulations! You have reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering machine messages in the greater Seattle area! If you don't know who you are dialing, HA! If you DO know who you are dialing, you were probably expecting something like this! (Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you. (Aussie accent:) Hi, how 'ya goin', listen, I'm not here, but I tell ya what, this anserin' machine is so clever, I kid you not, if you don't leave a message -- it'll ring 'ya back and ask for one! Bye. (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live? If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. If you're the person who keeps hanging up every time we answer the phone, YOU'RE IN LUCK. Right now we're not home. Feel free to stop by and steal everything we have. There is not much here, being as we're college students and all. But we would like it if you could take our TV. It's insured for more than it's worth, and we would really like to get a color one. Thanks. I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity. (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back. (or) Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs. (or) Hi, this is Daniel. I'm either out, asleep, or dead right now, so please leave a message and either I or my next of kin will get back to you. Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota. In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. (Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a! Thank you for calling, no doubt, As you can guess, we're out. When we get home, We'll call on the phone. Until then, just hang about. Sorry that we're not at home. Please leave a message after the tone. When we get in, We'll give you a ring. Until then, wait by the phone. Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks. Him: Hi, this is Evan's answering machine... Her: (Interrupting:) Whose answering machine? Him: Sorry dear, I'll start again. Hi, this is Evan and MICHELLE's answering machine... Is that better? Her: Much better. Him: Good. Please leave your name and number after the beep. How's that? Her: Fine. Him: Okay, now I'll just figure out how to record it. (Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...) (Restaurant noise:) She: I love you, pumpkin! He: I love you, honey-bunny! All right, everyone be cool. This is an answering machine. She: Any of you hang up without leaving a message, and I'll execute every last one of ya. (Theme music from "Pulp Fiction" plays for 3 seconds, stops abruptly, record skips track. Low music on background:) She: Whose voice mail is this? He: It's not a voice mail, baby. It's an answering machine. She: Whose answering machine is this? He: Zed's. She: Who's Zed? He: Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead. (Motorbike motor, record skips track. Deep male voice, husky sax playing on background.) Leave a message, or I'm gonna get medieval on your (BEEEEEEEP!) Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message... Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good. I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you. (Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII... --- religion --- (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking... Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day. Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? This is the Devil's Lair. Satan is out rounding up rookies. Please state the name of your soul... er... self, and the favor you wish to obtain. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern... (Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues. (Televangelist voice:) This is the Powerhouse Church of the Presumptious Assumption of the Bliiiiinnnnding Light! You HAVE called the RIGHT number sinner, you just called at the wrong time. All of our members are out fund raisin' at the airports. So leave your name, number, and THREE credit references, sinner, and we will save your soul! Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over. (Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time. Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're going about it all wrong, so WE certainly can't help you. If you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep. Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options: press 1 for requests, press 2 for thanksgiving, press 3 for complaints, press 4 for all other Inquiries. I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press 1, Jesus, press 2, the Holy Spirit, press 3. If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4. To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, enter his or her social security number, then press the pound key. If you get a negative response, try area code 666. For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here. Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. --- science fiction --- Bridge, Kirk here. Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen? (Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking. (Bad imitations:) Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant? Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms. Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message. (Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later. (or) Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant. (Chekov's voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep... Hello, this is the space shuttle Columbia answering machine. If it's NASA calling, we're still trying to fix the radio antenna. If it's Tom's parents, I'm sorry but right now he's outside fixing the landing gear. If this is Mike's wife, then hello darling, but at the moment I'm busy giving a hand to Tom, and I'll call you back soon as we're done. If this is the MIR space station, I'm sorry but our contact must be delayed for at least twelve, repeating twelve, more hours. If this is by any possible chance an alien space ship, then be kind enough to wait until we are fully operational again. If this is anyone else, you can leave your name, number, and message and we will eventually return your call, but we will do it just after landing, debriefing, and some time at home. That means not before next week. Have a nice day or night. Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride. (Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm! Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. (or) Daniel is out saving the world from certain destruction right now, but if you leave your name and number, he will call you back faster than a speeding turtle. Please wait until after the funny noise to record your message. A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future. You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron. Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer. Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges. --- brevity --- (Like a sheep:) Baaaaaaa. I'm gone. Fred. Message. BEEP. (or) I'm not home. Think fast. BEEP! (or) This is an answering machine. Respond accordingly. (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. (Country music...) Howdy. Hank. (Music continues for a few seconds...) This is David. Talk to me. You have reached 555-6238. Why? Leave me a message or leave me alone. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when, and I'll... You know. You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do. (or) Hi. This is Jennifer and Katrina's room. We're... ah, you know the drill. (or) (Nike commercial voice:) You know what to do. You know how to do it. You know when to do it. So, JUST DO IT! You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.) (Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ... (After being told by a friend that my greeting was too long:) This is Alan at 226-0477. Jenny, this message is for you. BEEP. --- miscellaneous --- (For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the... (Dreamily:) Dewdrop, in your pure fresh waters, let me wash these dirty hands of life. (Roughly:) Now, THAT'S what I call a message! If yours is at least that good, maybe I'll call you back... Hi. You've reached Vienna Farm. If you want to take riding lessons, leave your number. If you want information on boarding a horse, leave your number. If you are a bill collector, TAKE A NUMBER! This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though. (After getting many calls for Sherry, who used to live here:) You've reached Linda's office and I can't answer now. If you're calling for Sherry, she can't answer either because I fired her. Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye. Please leave us a message at the beep. And remember: It's not the quantity of the message that counts, it's the quality. Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.) Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. (Recorded during a party:) HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB yeah!! we're having a party!! come on over! B mike's not home right now!! Look out! E Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. E Was that the phone ringing? P (A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better. "It's a an air freshener!" "It's a roach trap!" "Actually it's both. New RoachWick by Turnipco kills roaches dead while infusing the room with a beautiful smell. Choose from mountain fresh, kumquat, or industrial solvent scents." --- farewell --- These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.